i wasn't "saving myself" for marriage. not that there is anything wrong with that, it just wasn't the reasoning behind holding on to my virginity. i'd had the opportunity to have sex before, but knew that i wasn't prepared emotionally to deal with any and all consequences that could arise from it. i wasn't what you would call a "prude" by any stretch of the imagination--and i certainly didn't dress, talk, or act like one. in fact, to this day many of my friends cannot believe that i "held on" as long as i did given how i portrayed myself. i suppose this started pretty early on in my life. for as long as i can remember, my body has not been my own. but the beginning part of the story i will save for another time. this piece of the puzzle begins in college, with becoming another statistic...

i knew him, well, knew *of* him. i'd met him once before, with some friends from my sorority. i remember brushing off an old high school friend's warning about him as we were leaving the bar to 'be careful around him, he's dangerous' because i was among friends, and what could possibly go wrong? i was only temporarily correct. nothing happened that time, but the next time i saw him would be an entirely different story.

sean was attractive, intelligent, charming, accomplished. well on his way to being successful in the professional world. the second time i saw him was after learning i'd been accepted into a prestigious (and highly exclusive) co-ed business fraternity. that very same night i had broken up with my boyfriend of several months and was emotionally exhausted. when i finally learned that i had made it, i cried. my friend dan had been the one to tell me i had been accepted, and told me to grab my things, it was time to celebrate. i did, and headed out to join the festivities. things seemed great at first, everyone enjoying themselves and celebrating their success. the party continued after the bar, with all of us heading to a "senior house" on campus...

i remember being at the party, i remember socializing with all of the "active" members of the fraternity and making myself known (as i had been advised to do by friends who were already "in") i remember having a couple of beers from the keg but keeping myself composed for fear of making an ass of myself in front of people i didn't really know or trust. i remember heading into the kitchen for a refill, and there he was. he offered to fill my cup, and i accepted, watching him the whole time. as he handed my cup to me, he cornered me with his hulking body and backed me into a wall: i stumbled. as i tried to regain my balance he leaned in and kissed me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders and squeezing me close. i squirmed away and murmured something about having a boyfriend and sorry but no and headed back in to join the rest of the group. i thought at the time that he was most likely intoxicated and unaware of his actions, or was just being flirtatious and friendly and unaware that i was involved with someone else.

i know better now.

i never set my cup down, i never left it unattended--i had been drilled not to for as long as i can recall. at some point, i started to feel fuzzy, but i brushed it off, figuring it was my fried nerves from all of the stressful moments of the day combined with the warming presence of alcohol in my system. i went back in to the kitchen for a third cup, and for the second time he met me there. this time, his gaze was stony. his eyes were fixated on mine and i could not escape his stare. i filled my cup, eyes downcast, and attempted to exit and rejoin the festivities. he stopped me in my tracks, grabbed my arm, and once again backed me against the wall. he kissed me again, only this time, my words were firmer: "stop it. i have a boyfriend. cut it out" i said, and turned to re-enter the party. "i'm sorry, you're just so beautiful, honey, i couldn't help it" he said. "its ok, apology accepted, things happen" i replied. i returned to the group and enjoyed my time, chatting and laughing and getting to know my new "family"

i'm not sure how much time elapsed, but later on in the evening sean was once again by my side. he told me he wanted to show me something and asked if i would come with him. i don't know why, but for some strange reason i agreed. he led me back through the kitchen and down several steps into a den/living room area. it is there that my vision became blurry. i know i saw a television and several people in the room, but to this day i could not tell you what they looked like. as he led me down the steps i began to have an inkling that all was not quite right, but figured that the alcohol was just affecting me more than usual because of my strained nerves and chalked it up to that. we sat on the couch in the living room for a few minutes, until sean said that he wanted to 'show me' something...he got up and started walking towards a door, grabbing my hand and leading me behind him. as we entered the room all i could see was the ultraviolet glow from a dim computer screen and the silhouette of a bed.

thats where time stops. thats where everything gets hazy. thats where i lost control over my own body...

i dont know how much time elapsed, but when i came to the first time all i could feel was a crushing weight upon my body and numbness in every extremity. it was like having an out-of-body experience. i slipped in and out of consciousness, struggling to free myself from his grasp as best i could, squeaking out the word "no" repeatedly even though i wasnt completely aware of what was happening. i remember him saying that he wanted to have sex with me, and me telling him no, and that i was a virgin* then everything went silent and dark again...until i awoke, this time screaming in pain. i can still feel his grip on my pinned wrists getting tighter, his eyes more fiery, his expression more sinister. after he finished, he picked me up by the arms and flung me to my feet, saying 'i'm not usually like this' as if that was supposed to excuse everything that had just transpired. in a daze i gathered my belongings and put my clothes on as quickly as i could. i would later learn that i had been in that room with him for the greater part of an hour--what i can recall adds up to about 15 minutes, max...

as i ran out of the house, away from the party, i called my then-boyfriend. rather, ex-boyfriend, as we were broken up at the time. anyway. i called, and he answered, thank g-d. he would later tell me that i was so incoherent it was as if i was talking gibberish, and that i couldnt even form a coherent sentence. all i did was cry into the phone, but somehow he found me.


**i will continue this story at a later time...it is all i can write for now...***

resources and helpful links

RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network)

RAINN Online Hotline

Safe Horizon

D.O.V.E., Inc.

Pandora's Project

These are just a few of the nation-wide resources I have located. If you need help finding more area-specific assistance, please email me at mysilencebroken@gmail.com

A long time coming...

i have written about my experiences with violence in various forms before. this is not the first time or place that i have shared my story. i have spoken in front of numerous groups of people, been interviewed by college students researching sexual assault, and have even told my story in a documentary filmed by a friend of mine. the reason for this blog is to piece together the whole picture, to explore who i am and what i have become as a result of, but also in spite of, what i have endured in the 25 years i've been on this planet. i wanted to create a safe space for myself, and for others, to "think out loud" about the healing process and everything that it entails. if you would like to share your story, need information on where to go for help, or just want to contact me, please email: mysilencebroken@gmail.com